I was at my therapist's office tonight because #therapyfridays. It was raining. There was a leak. By the end of the hour it was literally raining in the office. Like the LACMA rain room but without sensors. I was helping him move furniture. I sat back down. He pulled the rug out from under me and a floor lamp crashed down on my face and gashed underneath my nose. Blood. My entire face seems to be moving in a weird way. Too much, like it's no longer attached. I'm in Woodland Hills. What do I do? I hear the voice of Maura in TRANSPARENT. S03 Episode 01. "You're Jewish. Go to Cedars." My therapist drives me an hour to Cedars. I ask the triage nurse if I need stitches. She says something about glue. I text my boss and Hannah Sloan. Because, you know, aesthetics. They say I should insist on seeing a plastic surgeon. The ER doctor is very nice. She says the plastic surgeon on call is "amazing" and they went to high school together. Ok, call the plastic surgeon. Hannah calls one of her collectors, Dr. Teitelbaum. He asks to see a picture. Teitelbaum says my skin is cut through, there will be a scar but it will be scarcely visible and the doctor coming is very good. The doctor shows up. He's wearing a nice cardigan over his scrubs. I say the sweater is giving me confidence. He laughs. I say I'm not joking. Aesthetics matter. Also, Teitelbaum says you're very good. He says, I love Teitelbaum. He taught me breasts. He injects my face with a local anesthetic and says, "I once had my hands in Robert Rauschenberg's intestines!" He wanted to be an artist. While he was a resident he saw Rauschenberg's name on the board and insisted on being his surgical consult. He was admitted for bowel obstruction. He asked him: how did you become you? As an artist. Rauschenberg said when he was in school, Josef Albers (the head of his program) fucked his wife. So he decided to fly in the face of minimalism and collect/collage all of these objects as a rebellion.
Six sutures and a preview of what I'd look like with lip injections. Do you think I'm the only one to ever get stitches wearing a beret? #nofilter